my favorite game is “shit i lost my phone in my blankets where the fuck did it go”
Difficulty level: Silent with no vibrate
"I miss you”
Is the nicest text you can receive
"i bought a monster truck"
"I have too much money you can have it"
"I got you pizza"
"tom hiddleston is driving to your house right now"
"tom hiddleston had too much money and so he’s driving to your house in a monster truck with a pizza that he got for you"
"…because he missed you."
people who know the next letter of the alphabet without singing the song are terrifying
my doctor told me to eat more taco bell
well actually he said “less mcdonalds” but i’m pretty sure i know what he meant
LIAM IS SO DONE WITH THEIR SHIT HE IS LIKE A SINGLE DAD WITH TWO WAYWARD CHILDREN LIKE ‘yes these are my kids. i have to love them.’
i hope my kids in the future look at my selfies from the past and go, “wow, mom was a babe”